BOUNDARIES IN HOME COMING

December is an emotional roller coaster for many, and I like to write about some of these upheavals and conflicts as it may help someone you know. This post is about belonging and boundaries.

In this time of year many meanings may be attached to coming home.
First of all, is there a place to call home?
If so, does coming home mean having to deal or face unfinished business? It may be a conflict either party was too proud to address, or it may be a very serious matter, such as abuse of any kind, mental illness, domestic violence, criminality, and so on.

The following story is more typical. This young man insisted on getting his inheritance early.

Can you believe it? He squandered it! Then he ended up working as a worker at a farm, so at  least he had a place to stay.

When he came to his senses, he wondered why he should stay with these pigs, if he probably would get a better treatment home??

But...there were all these "issues" he had to face.

He knew he had disappointed his dad deeply by leaving home. On top of that, the guilt and remorse over blowing his inherited money on useless entertainment... he had nothing to show for!

He didn't even count on being treated as a son now. He looked disheveled, clothes torn, dirty and smelly...but yet home was somehow drawing him.

So he started the journey. The knots in his stomach became bigger when he saw his home at the horizon. Who was that, standing there by the house? No, it can't be! The young man started running and running, all the way into his father's arms.

© Graphite, St.Germain

He searched his father's face for clues of anger or indifference. To his great relief, he could only see joy. His father's eyes were somewhat misty, and the son's remorse increased when his dad called  a worker to start cooking for a welcome home party.

I love this story, because the father obviously believed his son would eventually do the right thing. This son somehow knew that his father would give him a place, even if it was where the workers slept.

A homecoming is an opportunity to face unfinished business, most often with family members. The same concepts apply for friendships. If all parties are willing, there is a good chance for a new page or chapter in one's life.

But I've also had people in the therapy room, coming back from their holidays at home, needing a few months to recover emotionally, because of the continuing dysfunction there.

Not every parent is mature enough to overlook and forgive the wrongs of their children. Not every child is able to forgive their parents/mentor/boss for hurting them emotionally or physically, and then move on with their life.

That one belongs to a family does not mean that one does not have the right to a life of his or her own. When you reach adulthood, you eventually catch on if you are treated as a doormat, an object, or as a valued human being.

If things are broken, and one of the parties back home is not willing to change, you might be better off celebrating the holidays somewhere else. You can only pick up the pieces of your own life, hope for the better regarding the other(s), and move on.
You don't have to pick up the other person's pieces, unless you want to and you are very sure it will not cripple your own life.

To put it in a visual picture: boundaries are like a picket fence. The fence is  where the (other) person's property (boundaries) end, and where yours begin. The fence is a clear demarcation between the two. On my second blog page ART NOTES is a painting that gives you an illustration what happens when boundaries are lacking. (click on right column: view my complete profile. Then on the bottom, click on Art Notes, which will take you to that page)

Living without your family of origin or you past best friend, doesn't mean though that you have to go through life alone, or be lonely. We all need a sense of belonging. Our family mostly provides that. But if not,  look and find people who will receive you with open arms. They can become your "family." (They don't need to be older;  they could be friends your own age).

Home is a place where the heart finds belonging. A good and safe place.

One of the best books on the subject is "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.